


Exploding Tags and Forbidden Jutsu

by singmetosleep (ohmyheichou)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Team as Family, but the sandaime is too so, get rekt konoha, it's time to take some names and fuck some shit up, team 7 will be certifiable by the time kakashi is done with them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-04-07 17:33:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14086041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyheichou/pseuds/singmetosleep
Summary: Just because Kakashi is best at tracking and assassination doesn't mean he's not suited for the front lines.Just because Kakashi can fight on the front lines doesn't mean he wants to.Just because Kakashi knows a thousand jutsu doesn't mean he wants to teach anyone those jutsu.But the Hokage and the Council are demanding that he teach a team, and that he train his team of baby genin for the front lines, all to show off Konoha's power.Well. If it's destruction they want, it's destruction they'll get. With some chaos added in, free of charge.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one is going to be random and sprouts from the idea that Kakashi assassinates things, he's not flashy... I always see it in fics that he takes his team and turns them into trackers or whatever, and that makes so much sense...
> 
> And then other ones are like oh yeah team 7 was always meant to be on the frontlines and the logic for that is a bit shakier but eh
> 
> And fics where team 7 goes around causing havoc is just. so. funny.
> 
> So. Idk I combined some ideas and who knows where any of this is going let's have fun together

"I'm a tracker," Kakashi protests, even though he knows it won't do any good. "I'm an  _assassin_ , not some kind of meat tank."

The Sandaime's gaze is steely, and he says, "I know all that, Kakashi. It doesn't matter. The Council won't rest easy unless the Kyuubi is under the control of a Sharingan."

Kakashi very carefully does not comment on the irony of this statement, given how sentiment had turned away from the Uchiha in the wake of the Kyuubi attack.

"And they won't accept any other teacher for the last Uchiha, so that leaves you no choice but to take both of them."

Kakashi can understand that logic, even if he is absolutely horrified by the disturbing parallels to his own team, which had ended in disaster. But... "And the girl? Why her?"

The Sandaime takes a puff from his pipe, and for a moment Kakashi doesn't think he's going to answer. "She's not special. She is top kunoichi of her graduating class, but she's nothing compared to Uchiha." That is an absolute non-answer, but Kakashi doesn't press the issue. It's hardly worth mentioning in light of the situation. The Sandaime sighs heavily, and puts his pipe down. "This is not optional, Kakashi. You will take this team, and you will pass them, even if it takes you a year. And you will turn them into a front line squad to be feared. Dismissed."

Kakashi does what the situation deserves: he jumps out the window and goes to sulk in front of the Memorial Stone. He'll be late to pick up the children -  _genin_ , he corrects himself,  _genin because I'm being forced to pass them_ \- but they'll have to get used to that if they're going to be on his team.

* * *

In the end, he is only three hours late. His genin are absolutely outraged, but he shuts them up with a droll, "My first impression? I hate you." He shunshins to the roof and waits for them to come up. No doubt his sensei's son will be loud and indignant at this latest slight.

"All right," he says with a sigh. "Let's introduce ourselves."

He waits patiently, but the genin don't say anything. Instead, the pink-haired girl, who had the appropriate and uninspired name of Sakura, raises a timid hand. "Um, Sensei? What kinds of things should we say?"

Honestly, what was the Sandaime thinking, putting him in charge of these children? Was this some kind of petty revenge? He sighs again, and pretends to think. "Maa, maa, let's see. My name is Hatake Kakashi. There are things I like, and things I dislike. My hobbies...I have them. My dream...to never be a teacher."

He ignores Sakura's whispered, "He didn't tell us anything," Naruto's nods of agreement, and Sasuke's glare.

Instead, he gestures to Naruto. "You there. Orange. Why don't you go first?"

Naruto jumps up and starts yelling. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen, and I dislike the three minutes you have to wait for ramen to cook! My hobbies are pranking and eating ramen! My dream is to be Hokage, dattebayo!"

Nothing unexpected there. He nods at Sakura. "Next."

She sits up a bit straighter, and begins her introduction in a calm, polite tone. "My name is Haruno Sakura. I like..." Here she ruins Kakashi's nice first impression of her by giggling and glancing sideways at Sasuke while blushing furiously. A fangirl. Kami help him.

"I dislike idiots." She glares at Naruto.

"My hobbies..." she glances at Sasuke and giggles again. Kakashi hopes she's not stalking him but there are no depths a fangirl won't stoop to.

"My dream..." she glances at Sasuke  _again_ and giggles so furiously Kakashi wonders if she's somehow choked on something and is actually struggling to breathe.

Kakashi gestures at Sasuke to continue.

Sasuke is resting his hands on his knees, and if his glower could be weaponized, Kakashi would already be dead. In a dead voice, he says, "Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like many things, and I dislike many things. My hobby is training. I don't have a dream, only an ambition that I will make a reality. It is...to kill a certain man."

His gloomy aura intensifies, and Kakashi briefly contemplates whether "Gloomy Aura" can be weaponized in the way Killing Intent already is. Sakura and Naruto stare at Sasuke in shock, and all Kakashi can think is that this village has failed them all in so many ways.

He tells them about the test, and vanishes without humoring their questions as he usually does with Academy genin.

* * *

The test...does not go well. Naruto does not seem to know the meaning of stealth, and his very being is anathema to Kakashi's way of fighting. Sakura, for all that she has great chakra control, can't even break a simple genjutsu. And Sasuke...well, he was the only one with any potential, really. Too bad his head was cracked, just like Kakashi's had been.

Surprisingly enough, it was Sasuke who broke the rules to offer Naruto some of his lunch. And he even commanded Sakura to do so, too. It was probably motivated by selfishness, but what wasn't, really? Good enough. And good to know, too, that Kakashi's team wasn't a complete lost cause. It was just.... _mostly_ lost. Kakashi could work with that.

Except he doesn't. Because for one thing, Kakashi had never actually taught genin. And for another, he was still mad at the Sandaime and at the Council, and he didn't feel like playing by their rules. And finally, he really was best suited to tracking and to assassination. He knew lots of jutsu, sure, but he didn't really  _know_ how to be flashy. Gai was the only example he had, and he would take the kids and run before he copied Gai. So he doesn't do much with his kids. Just standard genin missions - cleaning up the river, painting fences, and, of course, finding Tora. 

Kakashi already knows that this won't last long. Sasuke is too driven, and Naruto is just impatient. One day, Naruto's patience finally cracks, and he hollers at the Hokage, "Old man!! Give us a real mission!"

Kakashi's other two students don't say anything, but he knows they're eager too. So he smiles genially, pats them on the head, and nods to the Hokage.

They're going to Wave.


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi notices the puddle immediately. There are three options here. The puddle could be a genin or chuunin trying something they shouldn't, and outside of the safety of the village to boot. More likely is that the puddle is an enemy lying in wait, and either that enemy is an idiot or he's purposefully acting stupid to be underestimated. Kakashi would bet on the second scenario, but that still doesn't explain why enemy ninja are loitering so close to the walls and the patrols.

He makes a split-second decision, and he doesn't say anything when Sasuke's eyes suddenly narrow as they walk past the puddle, his brain finally catching up to his eyes. Instead he pretends to get caught by the laughably inferior ninja. A bit early to be testing his genin, perhaps, but the test is less for them and more for their client.

Sasuke makes quick work of the two so-called Demon Brothers, and Sakura bravely plants herself between them and Tazuna. Kakashi is disappointed but not surprised when Naruto freezes, because underneath all of his bluster is just a child. He is irritated but, again, not surprised that the Demon Brothers go for Tazuna.

He returns to the group and tasks Sakura with helping Naruto, Sasuke with the bodies. Then he looms over Tazuna. "I think we need to have a talk, Tazuna-san."

* * *

Tazuna's country is being stifled by a corrupt gang lord or something and he thinks that building a bridge will solve all of their problems. Kakashi carefully does not mention how easy it is for shinobi to destroy a simple bridge. Sasuke, on the other hand, clearly has no tact and says with a sneer, "Ridiculous. If he hired ninja to kill you, he can hire ninja to destroy your bridge."

Naruto then gets up into Sasuke's face because he has a big heart and also, as far as Kakashi can tell, because he just wants the attention. They squabble until Sasuke makes a dismissive noise and concedes, "I guess it could be a good training exercise."

Incredulously, Sakura whispers, "Training exercise?" to herself, but the boys don't pay her any attention.

* * *

They soldier on.

They nearly get caught by Zabuza and his immensely large sword. Kakashi thinks he might be compensating for something, but who knows? Kiri is like a different planet when compared to Konoha.

Kakashi slips up and gets caught. He is pleasantly surprised and impressed that his genin not only stay to help him, they actually get him out of Zabuza's little water prison.

When some random hunter nin intervenes in their fight, Kakashi is mostly relieved and grateful. Mostly. Some corner of his suspicious ANBU mind notes that that is not hunter nin protocol...but he promptly passes out, so he doesn't get to warn his genin.

Damn.

* * *

When Kakashi wakes up, he stares at the ceiling for a good five minutes. He really didn't think they would be encountering anyone like Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Mist, on what was supposed to be a C-rank mission, even if it had turned out to be misclassified. Because this mission was so badly misclassified it was almost like someone had fucked with it on purpose. Someone like, say, the Sandaime.

Kakashi shuts his eyes and quietly fumes. He didn't think that the Sandaime had been joking when he said that Team 7 was destined for the front lines. But he also hadn't thought that the Hokage would thrust three untrained genin into an  _A-rank mission_ without at LEAST giving their jounin-sensei fair warning. Which Kakashi had not been given.

Once upon a time, Hashirama Senju had a dream. He dreamed of peace, of a world where children did not have to either become cold-blooded murderers or die in war. And it was from that dream that Konoha was built. So even if Kakashi is an elite ninja who often says things like "always look underneath the underneath," he thinks he can be forgiven for believing that the Hokage wouldn't just...throw three preteens to the wolves to appease the Council.

Except Kakashi has survivor's guilt, a martyr complex, and many other problems, and he certainly  _won't_  forgive himself for this. When had he gotten so soft? He's been out of an ANBU for awhile, and maybe other people would see that as a good thing, but for Kakashi it isn't. ANBU was the only thing keeping him together, even if it didn't keep him sane, and now he is falling apart. So he determines that he's going to get his shit together and he is going to give these genin back to the Academy because he has lost too many people and he is  **tired**  of it. 

* * *

Kakashi is not a good teacher. He knows this. He is a genius, and it has never taken him long to grasp new concepts or techniques. This quick learning is what makes him spectacularly unsuited to teaching children basic skills. But he has to get them back to Konoha in one piece, and he'll be extremely lucky if he can manage that. So he teaches them tree climbing - and it's honestly ridiculous that these three have somehow managed to graduate the Academy without even knowing that most basic of skills. What are they teaching them these days?

A week passes, all too quickly. Zabuza attacks them under cover of mist, and it is a hard battle. Somehow, he kills the accomplice on accident, and then Gato's men show up because there may be honor among thieves but there is none among businessmen, apparently, and then Zabuza kills them all. None of that matters. What does matter is Sasuke, the last Uchiha, lying still and cold with senbon stuck all over him. Sakura is weeping softly over him, and Naruto says, in a voice so hollow it doesn't even sound like him, "He jumped in front of me. Those senbon were meant for me. He protected me."

Kakashi looks at them and thinks  _what if._ What if he had taken them more seriously, trained them up before they ever left the village? What if he hadn't been such a rule-obsessed bastard when he was younger? He thought Sasuke was his counterpart on this team, but all he can see in that cold face is Obito, Obito who made him see the light. What if he had noticed whatever the hell was wrong with Itachi?  ** _What if?_**

But then there is a tiny gasp, not quite shrill or high enough to be Sakura, and Sasuke is breathing again. Sakura starts crying anew, and Naruto starts crying too, deep, throat-wracking sobs as he asks Sasuke why why why don't ever do that again you bastard. And Kakashi makes his decision - they are his team, not because he was told to take them and pass them, but because he chose them, and he will make them strong.

If Kakashi were a villain, he would have started cackling maniacally. As it is, he's just a jounin-sensei who's a bit out of shape and more than a little exhausted, so he just passes out. Again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EMOTIONS
> 
> That's right, Kakashi tries to be a therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sincerely apologize to everybody who wanted explosions and such right away  
> but they need to get their emotional stuff out of the way first because there is NO WAY team 7 would ever learn to be functional just by the virtue of explosions  
> exploding tags are nice and all, but they can't work miracles

Hilariously, Tazuna decides to name the bridge the Team 7 Bridge. It's a shit name, that's for sure, but his team is giddy with excitement about it, so Kakashi doesn't say anything. After all, this is what the Hokage asked him for, is it not? A front line squad should be famous, recognizable, so that enemies will automatically target them and not their comrades.

They take it easy on the way back. Kakashi would love to start training them more seriously, but on the road is not the place to do it. He would also love to talk to them about their Many Issues™, but he has a feeling that Sasuke will either explode or implode if he has to talk about his feelings, and that kind of fallout is best contained to the village. Also, Naruto is just straight up too loud to talk to without at least three kinds of silencing seals plus maybe another seven barrier seals. So. Not on the road.

Sakura, though. Sakura he can work with. So it's Sakura he pulls aside for first watch. She fidgets under his gaze. "A-ano...Kakashi-sensei...why do you keep staring at me like that?"

"You're really thin, Sakura-chan."

She flushes. "Ah...thank you? I've been trying a new diet...though it's been hard during this mission."

Kakashi nods thoughtfully. "Yes, I imagine it has. What kind of diet are you trying, then?"

She hems and haws, tells him it's nothing special. That's probably true - almost all of these harebrained civilian-based "diets" are utterly worthless and destroy your body. He decides to cut to the chase. "Do you think that if you're thin, Sasuke-kun will like you better?"

Her face turns beet red.

"Or that he'll prefer you if your hair is long and shiny?"

She's trembling with embarrassment now, squeaking words of protest.

Relentless, he continues, "Do you think that Sasuke-kun would want someone who isn't a serious kunoichi? Someone who cares more about her appearance than her skill?"

Sakura is so frustrated she's almost crying, but she shakes her head no.

"More than that...why do you even like Sasuke? Do you know anything about him? You seemed surprised when he said his ambition was to kill a certain man...if you knew him, that shouldn't have come as a surprise."

She chokes out some story about not having friends, and her large forehead, and trying to fit in, and apparently destroying friendships over him, which...is just...what? He shakes his head. He's not going to touch that mess. He will never understand preteen/teenaged girls.

Instead he says, as gently as he can, "I'm not trying to be mean to you, Sakura. I just want you to understand. You have talent - you mastered the tree climbing exercise before Sasuke did, and Sasuke is more or less a genius. Your chakra control is amazing, and there are many things you could be great at. But you have to do it for yourself, understand? You can't decide to become a good kunoichi so you can impress Sasuke.

"I told you guys that those you break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their friends are worse than trash. I don't want you to leave Sasuke alone, because that's the last thing he needs. But what he needs is a friend, someone to support him, not someone who hangs all over him just because he looks 'cool.' It's not fair to either of you. It's not fair to Naruto for you to exclude him all the time because you want to have all of Sasuke's attention."

Sakura is crying, now. Kakashi is pretty good at that - making people cry. It's not usually his intention, but there it is. He scoots closer, and gently folds her into a hug, cheering internally when she doesn't resist. "We're a team, Sakura. You should support your teammates, but don't forget that we're here for you too. No one here cares about your forehead, or your weight, or the length of your hair. What matters is that you are a strong, skilled ninja. Okay?"

She nods, and he pulls back. He lets her get some rest, and stares into the fire the rest of the night.

He is pleased to note a change in her demeanor the rest of the way back, though currently Sasuke and Naruto both just seem a little suspicious of the change. Well. Hopefully it'll get better once he has a talk with them too.

* * *

Kakashi has many things he could say to the Sandaime about the catastrophe that this mission was, but he doesn't want to tip anyone off to the fountain of rage that is bubbling beneath his skin. So when the Sandaime asks how the mission went, he sheepishly rubs the back of his head and says, "Oh, we ran into some complications."

All three of his genin turn to look at him with matching expressions of incredulity. Ah, teamwork. He blithely ignores them and beams sunnily at the Hokage and the fuming countenance of Iruka-his-genin's-former-sensei next to him. The Hokage looks - disgruntled, maybe, disappointed, maybe - not all that happy about it, but he doesn't say anything and Team 7 takes their leave.

On his way back to his apartment, Kakashi ponders. Should he start the training now or should he work out some of the emotional issues now? He doesn't really want to work on the latter, but he has a feeling he should  _probably_ do something about them before they explode in his face. He's mildly fond of explosions, but only when they're made of exploding tags and not the emotional kind. Sigh. Emotional issues it is.

* * *

He starts with Sasuke first. Because boy oh boy, is that boy a mess. In fact, Kakashi is not sure what he can say without getting a kunai to the face. He drops by Sasuke's place, which is still in the middle of the blood-soaked Uchiha Compound. Which is probably something else he should talk about...but perhaps later.

He appears in the middle of Sasuke's lunch, spooking the kid enough for him to immediately throw kunai at Kakashi. He dodges, and they land in the wall behind him with a soft  _thunk._  Sasuke's eyes narrow in displeasure, and he says, "Kakashi. What are you doing here?"

Absolutely no respect with this kid. "Just thought I'd check up on my favorite student."

Sasuke scoffs. "Why? Because I'm the Last Uchiha?"

"No. You're actually my favorite right now because you remind me both of myself and of my dead best friend."

His favorite student's eyes narrow again. "Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult?"

"Both?" Kakashi shrugs helplessly.

After a moment, Sasuke seems to come to some kind of conclusion, because he relaxes out of his tense pose and takes a seat again. "Whatever."

Without being invited, Kakashi also sits down at the table. He taps the hitai-ate covering his Sharingan. "You haven't asked about this."

Sasuke glowers at him. "Like you would have told me anything."

"Touche."

He doesn't say anything else, and he can practically taste Sasuke's fury growing. He glances over. "Calm down. I have a story to tell you."

Sasuke calms down, though Kakashi can still feel his glare. He doesn't look at him as he begins his story.

"The White Fang of Konoha was revered as a hero. He was strong and completed his missions successfully. But, one mission, he chose his teammates over the mission, and as a result many people lost their lives. Konoha came to hate him, and he was so ashamed that he committed suicide."

He takes a deep breath. "The White Fang was my father. I came home from a mission to find him dead."

Sasuke doesn't say anything, but Kakashi's sure the story resonates with him...a child arriving home to dead family members. He continues, "After that, I became convinced that to be a good shinobi, you had to follow the Shinobi Rules. The mission must always come first."

"But I thought - "

He throws a look at Sasuke. "Don't interrupt."

"On my first mission as a jounin, one of my teammates, Rin, was kidnapped by Iwa. I wanted to finish the mission, but our other teammate, Uchiha Obito, wanted to go find Rin. He said he thought that the White Fang was a hero, that even if breaking the rules makes you trash, those who leave behind their teammates are worse than trash. So he went after Rin, and I went to go finish the mission. But I couldn't leave them behind - at the time I rationalized that it would be easier to finish the mission with my teammates, but really I think I just couldn't abandon them like that.

"So I followed them, and while fighting I lost my left eye. And then, while we were trying to get out of the cave, I didn't realize a boulder was about to come down on me because of my reduced vision. Obito pushed me out of the way. He saved me, at the cost of his own life. He asked Rin to give me his Sharingan...his dying wish."

Obito's eye is watering again. He pushes his hitai-ate up and turns to face Sasuke, whose eyes widen when he sees the tears. "Obito was a crybaby. And his eye still cries even when mine doesn't."

Sasuke jerks his gaze away. "I don't know why you're telling me this."

"When I was given you guys as a team, I thought it was a bad idea. You reminded me of myself - genius, but cold and unattached. Naruto reminded me of Obito - loud and obnoxious, bragging despite not being good at anything."

That makes Sasuke snort, and Kakashi smiles. "But I'm beginning to see more of Obito in you."

Sasuke gives him a highly offended look. "Are you saying that your opinion of my skill has dropped or something? Are you calling me a crybaby?"

Kakashi laughs a little to himself. Typical Uchiha. Too easy to rile up, really. "No, no. It's just that, of Team 7, you're the one who really seems to get Obito's rule the best. You're the reason you guys passed the bell test, you know. And in Wave, you saved Naruto. You sacrificed yourself for him, even though you act like you don't like him."

Sasuke flushes and looks away. "I don't. He's loud and an idiot."

Kakashi nods sagely. "He is, isn't he? But he's your idiot. He's your teammate, so you couldn't just let him die."

His angsty student glowers furiously at a floorboard which has really done nothing to deserve his ire. Changing tactics, Kakashi casually says, "Did you know the Uzumaki were also once a famous clan?"

Sasuke's head shoots up. "What?"

"Oh yes. The Uzumaki were to Uzushiogakure what the Senju and the Uchiha are to Konoha. Naruto is the last Uzumaki that we know of."

And that is about as much bonding and emotional...whatever...that Kakashi can handle today. And Sasuke's emotional capacity has probably been stretched to its limit for the next couple of weeks, at least. He slaps the table as he gets up. "Just thought you should know. Be at the training grounds at 7 tomorrow!"

"Wait, Kakashi - "

He disappears in a swirl of leaves, completely ignoring his student's cries. What can he say? That's just the way he rolls.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On today's episode of Kakashi has no more fucks to give, we find out that S-rank secret about Naruto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha I have been in a super negative headspace for awhile (years, tbh) so this fic kinda didn't get updated  
> but your comments are all super nice thank you guys so much

Kakashi should probably talk to Naruto, too, but as it may or may not be legal (as in, it is very much illegal) to tell him everything that Kakashi wants to, he's settling on the next best thing: getting Naruto to reveal at least one secret all by himself! He's such a  _genius_.

He appears before his genin, almost on time - that is to say, only an hour late. Practically early by Kakashi's standards. Sakura and Naruto get up and shriek, "You're late!" in perfect synchrony. Then they both appear to realize that he's much earlier than usual, at which point they start eyeing him suspiciously. Sasuke, of course, has been eyeing him suspiciously ever since he appeared. 

It's Sakura who asks, "Why are you so...only kind of late, sensei?"

He beams at them, taking a sadistic kind of pleasure in how all three of them seem to get more paranoid the longer he smiles. Paranoia is an important shinobi skill. "Well, my cute little genin, I have decided that I'm actually going to train you guys!"

Instantly, killing intent saturates the air around the Last Uchiha, while Naruto fairly wilts in disappointment, and Sakura...well, Sakura screams like a banshee, draws her arm back, and punches Kakashi in the gut, hard enough to actually make him stumble back a few steps. "Shannaro!" she roars, eyes blazing. "You weren't taking us seriously this whole time?!?!?!"

It's actually a pleasant surprise, finding that she has a suitably vicious side to her. He doesn't say that, though, just raises his hands in surrender and says, "Sorry, kids, but no, not really. Sit down and I'll tell you more."

None of his genin sit. Figures.

All previous mirth gone, he tells them, "I never wanted a genin team. Before you guys, I failed six teams. You passed the bell test, but I was never given a choice in passing you."

His brighter students squint at him, and his dumbest student starts yelling. "What are you talking about Kaka-sensei? I thought we passed your test!"

Sasuke and Sakura turn and give him synchronized looks of disbelief. Sasuke just says flatly, "Idiot," while Sakura hits him and starts ranting.

"He just said we passed! Weren't you listening?!"

"But he said he had no choice!"

"Well...I don't know what that means but he said we passed his test!"

She swivels to look at him. "What  _did_ you mean when you said you had no choice but to pass us, Kakashi-sensei?"

Sasuke speaks up, his face and voice dark. "He means that he had to pass  _me_ , because I'm the Last Uchiha."

Kakashi nods. "That's part of the reason."

His student's Gloomy Aura™ lessens somewhat, and he gives Kakashi an appraising look. The wheels turn in that little genius brain, and then he says, "Naruto, then."

Naruto goes white, probably not prepared to have his secret outed like this, while Sakura...gives Sasuke a hurt look. What? "Sasuke-kun! What's so special about Naruto?"

Ah. Jealousy and insecurity.

Sasuke gives her a flat look and says, "You're not dumb, Sakura. Figure it out."

Sakura immediately brightens, because that's probably the nicest thing Sasuke has said about any of them, and stares at Naruto intently, as though the answer will appear on his forehead if she just looks hard enough. After a tense minute or so, she snaps her fingers. "You know, no one likes you." This makes Naruto droop unhappily, but she continues, "But I don't know why. You're loud and obnoxious, sure, but people...people  _hate_ you."

Naruto is fidgeting nervously now. Kakashi imagines this little talk is torture for his student, but it's for the best. Really. Kakashi's not a sadist, of course not. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Sasuke takes over. "My mother told me, once...that I was never to talk to you. That I was to ignore your very existence."

Naruto droops even more, and if this conversation doesn't take a happier turn soon, he will just be a puddle of sadness on the ground.

Abruptly, Sasuke says, "When's your birthday, Naruto?"

Kakashi screams in delight. Internally, of course, because otherwise he would ruin his reputation. 

Naruto appears to have gone into shock, so it's Sakura who answers. "It's October 10th."

"October 10th...the same night the Kyuubi attacked."

Sakura's eyes widen, and she scoots away from Naruto. "No way! Are you...are you the Kyuubi?"

Kakashi almost smacks himself in the face. A logical conclusion, one that Kakashi should have expected, and yet he did not. Naruto droops again, and yup, he's more or less a puddle of sadness at this point.

It's Sasuke who saves the day, albeit in a rather caustic manner. "Don't be ridiculous, Sakura." He scoffs. "As if the Kyuubi no Youko would ever be the  _dead last_ in the Academy. The idiot can't even make a proper bunshin. If Naruto is the Kyuubi, then  _I'm_ Uchiha Madara."

Not entirely convinced, Sakura protests, "But he has whiskers! What normal kid has whiskers?"

Sasuke pauses, but evidently he can't come up with a good answer for that question. "Hn."

Kakashi turns to Naruto. Gently, he prompts, "Anything you want to tell your teammates, Naruto?"

Naruto blurts, "TheYondaimedidn'tkilltheKyuubihesealeditintoababyandthatwasme."

His teammates stare. "What?"

More slowly, Naruto says, "The Yondaime didn't kill the Kyuubi he just sealed it into a baby and...thatbabywasme."

"But the whiskers. Will someone explain the whiskers to me?"

Well, it's not the worst thing for Sakura to fixate on. Overall Kakashi is quite pleased with his team's reactions to Naruto's secret. Still, they have other things they need to work on.

So they go over some basic things, like chakra, and the three ninja disciplines, because apparently Naruto wasn't paying attention at all in the Academy.

When Kakashi asks his team what other disciplines there are, Sakura volunteers, "Fuuinjutsu!"

Sasuke's Gloomy Aura™ makes a grand reappearance. "Kenjutsu and shurikenjutsu."

Both things Itachi had been brilliant at.

Naruto just scratches his head sheepishly. To be expected.

So Kakashi finishes, "Iryo-ninjutsu is another important discipline, though unfortunately not one that many are skilled in."

Now, for some more team bonding!

"I want you guys to think about which disciplines you think your teammates would be good at and why. Pick two for each teammate. I'll expect answers tomorrow! But right now..." He smiles cheerfully, and his genin shiver. "We have some D-ranks to do."

His cute little genin's groans are music to his ears.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi actually acts like a teacher. Isn't that a pleasantly non-canon surprise?!
> 
> Also, our little trio evaluate each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a double update as penance for the month of radio silence
> 
> one day i will write long chapters but today is not that day

The next day, Kakashi actually shows up on time, just to see what his genin will do.

Naruto pales, pulls out a cup of instant ramen, and starts praying. "Oh ramen gods, please save me from the end of the world, please make sure there will be ramen forever..."

Sakura faints.

Sasuke attacks him. Bloodthirsty little thing.

Kakashi dodges Sasuke's attack, grabs his collar, and tosses him into Naruto. The ensuing scuffle wakes up Sakura, and Kakashi claps his hands loudly. "Good morning my cute little genin!"

All three of them stare at him with matching looks of terror.

He flops down on the ground in hopes of making himself look less threatening. Sadly his genin aren't quite well-trained enough for that to do much for them. Well, nothing for it.

"Sit," he orders.

They do.

He resists the urge to smile, and instead whips out his Icha Icha. Immediately, his genin go limp with relief. "Gosh, Kakashi-sensei, you really scared us!" Sakura scolds him.

"Maa, maa, I can be on time sometimes."

They give him looks that say quite clearly  _cut the shit Kakashi-sensei._

So he does. "Okay! I hope everyone did their homework. Let's talk about what Sasuke would be good at. Who wants to go first?"

Predictably, Sakura jumps (literally jumps) at the chance to talk about her crush. "Sasuke-kun could specialize in ninjutsu and taijutsu! I picked those two because of his Sharingan. It'll let him copy lots of jutsu, and it'll also give him an edge in taijutsu."

"What about you, Naruto?"

Naruto grumbles a bit, then says, "Kenjutsu."

"...and why?"

"Because it's cool, -ttebayo, and the bastard likes to pretend he's so cool."

Kakashi carefully does not laugh or point out that Naruto is really the one who wants to be "cool." "What about the second discipline?"

His normally loud student shrugs, studies the ground, and whispers, "Iryo-ninjutsu...because he'll never have to lose his precious people that way."

Someone's projecting.

That's an issue for another time, Kakashi decides. "Sasuke, what disciplines did you choose for Sakura?"

"Fuuinjutsu and genjutsu, because she can do that even with her low stamina and chakra reserves."

Sakura wilts a little, and Kakashi gives Sasuke a look. His most unsociable student rolls his eyes, but adds begrudgingly, "She would be good at genjutsu because she has good chakra control."

"I picked fuuinjutsu too! Because seals are hard and Sakura-chan is so smart she'll be great at them!"

Sakura looks pleased. Kakashi prompts Naruto, "And the second one...?"

Naruto says, "Iryo-ninjutsu."

Kakashi doesn't bother asking why. Instead he asks, "Alright, now what would you two choose for Naruto?"

Sakura says, "Ninjutsu, because Naruto has a lot of chakra to spare. And genjutsu, because then he can trick people into thinking he's really the Kyuubi!"

Well, that's not quite what Kakashi had in mind, but sure, he'll take it. At least he knows he'll never be bored with this bunch.

Sasuke says, "Taijutsu and ninjutsu, because he never gets tired or runs out of chakra. He can just spam the enemy until they get tired, and then we can take them out."

Kakashi heartily approves of this analysis, because it's true - Naruto is a handful as it is, but he'll be overwhelming once he's properly trained.

"Interesting answers, everyone. Now, what discipline do you want to start specializing in? Sasuke?"

They all spend a couple of minutes choking under Sasuke's Gloomy Aura™ before he finally answers, "Iryo-ninjutsu."

So Naruto's choice wasn't all projection, then. It makes sense. Positive reinforcement time! "Excellent choice, Sasuke! Iryo-ninjutsu is difficult, but I'm sure you'll do well. Also, I've heard that the Sharingan is very useful for more complicated surgeries, so I'm sure the iryo-nin will be happy to have you."

Sasuke doesn't say anything, but Kakashi thinks he looks pleased. Bit hard to tell, what with the default Uchiha expression being....a lack of expression.

Sakura twists her hair nervously. "I think I would like to specialize in fuuinjutsu, sensei." She sneaks a glance at Sasuke. "Like Sasuke-kun said, my stamina and chakra reserves aren't that great...but that won't matter when making seals. Memorization and control are more important, and I'm good at that!" She nods resolutely.

Naruto doesn't wait for Kakashi to comment. "I want to specialize in ninjutsu so that people will call me the God of Shinobi just like the old man!"

Sakura laughs and says slyly, "They should call you the  _Demon_ of Shinobi. Get it?"

Wow, his female student has a personality under all of that fangirling. Who would have thought?

"Wow, Sakura-chan, you're so smart! Okay sensei, I want to specialize in ninjutsu and become the DEMON of Shinobi!"

Sasuke scoffs, but everyone can see the tiny smile on his face.

Kakashi looks at his team and wills Obito's eye not to cry. It's a lost cause.

So instead he ignores the wetness on the left side of his face and says, "Good choices, all of you. But first, we're going to work on the basics for all of you. Fifty laps!"

His genin obey with minimal grumbling, and Kakashi has to bury his face deep into Icha Icha so that no one will see him crying.  _Obito,_ he thinks,  _I won't mess up this time. I promise._

* * *

Kakashi runs his team into the ground.

In the morning they do D-ranks. Lots and lots of D-ranks. Kakashi always finds a way to make the mission harder. If they're cleaning the river, they have to practice water-walking. If they're babysitting, he makes them study or practice chakra control exercises. If they're outside, he makes them practice the Academy Three until they can do them without hand seals. He borrows a page from Gai's book (though that's a secret he'll take to his grave) and has his students lug around weights no matter what they're doing. The only time he lets them off easy is when they're finding Tora, because that cat is a demon.

Kakashi distinctly remembers having to catch Tora a couple of times in his genin days - any cat that lives that long is obviously a demon. Tora is such a problem that when Naruto suggests asking the Hokage to reclassify the mission as a C-rank, Sasuke actually agrees. "For once, the loser has a point. That is  _not_ a normal cat." And in whole sentences, too! Sakura is too tired to do anything other than glare, but he's quite sure it's a glare of agreement.

They break for lunch, and then they train.

At first Kakashi has them running laps and doing pushups, because none of them are very fit, and the morning often leaves them running low on chakra. When he's satisfied with their progress, he deigns to teach them some jutsu. He brings them books on iryo-ninjutsu and fuuinjutsu, and assigns them homework on the subject. It means he has to read the books, too, instead of his prized Icha Icha, but it's a small price to pay for his team.

When the Chuunin Exams roll around, they're more than ready. He nominates his team nonchalantly, and lets that-one-really-nosy-Academy-sensei-Iruka know that Team 7 is  _Kakashi's team_  and he knows them best. He doesn't think that Teams 8 or 9 are ready, but that's not his problem. Maybe this year he'll actually participate in Anko's bets.

His genin are going to make him an absolute killing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments pls? authors live off of comments u kno


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chunin Exams, Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betchu thought u saw the last of me  
> nah
> 
> also tw for minor references to rape? i mean we all know orochimaru's creepy "i want your body" schtick so..

The first part of the Exams is being held in the Academy.

Team 7 arrives with aplomb, and all three of them notice the genjutsu obscuring the room number. Sasuke rolls his eyes and they move on silently. The exam room is filled with a bunch of unfriendly faces...as well as some overly friendly ones.

"Sasukeeeeeee-kuuuuuuuun!"

As soon as he hears the squeal, Sasuke performs a seamless kawarimi with Naruto, leaving Ino with an armful of loud blond.

"Ahahahahaha I didn't know you liked me this much, Ino-chan!"

Sasuke and Sakura both smirk as Ino flails and protests that she absolutely does not like Naruto. The rookies bicker, some creepy genin comes to give them some "advice," and some other genin beat him up for shits and giggles.

The proctor, Morino Ibiki, arrives and forces everyone to settle down. Naruto almost panics when he hears that it's going to be a paper exam, but Sakura elbows him and Sasuke slaps him and he calms down.

Once at his desk, Naruto gleefully pulls out the tag that Sasuke stuck/slapped on him, and attaches it to his exam. He channels some chakra, and soon, Sakura's neat writing appears on his exam. Naruto wants to giggle maniacally, but he settles for tapping his pencil obnoxiously.

Sasuke also uses their new seal, but he just smiles smugly.

The other genin cheat in various ways. Ino waits until Sakura's done writing before invading her head. She skims the paper quickly. There's a weird seal on the back of the paper, but she assumes it's nothing. Oh, Ino. She had an opportunity - to see and understand just what Team 7 is capable of, but she instead she just assumed that Sakura's brain is only good for tests. An understandable mistake, to be sure, but one that may come back to haunt her. Silly genin.

Then comes the tenth question - to fail or risk it all? Perhaps in another universe, Team 7 might have worried about Naruto failing. In this one, they do not. Instead, Sakura frets, because this exam now rides on her and her alone, and she has never been a very confident child. But Naruto continues to bounce in his seat, utterly unaffected by the glares sent his way by agitated test takers, and Sasuke continues to twirl his pencil languidly, seemingly unconcerned about this all important tenth question. So Sakura sits and tries to relax as team after team drops out.

And then the proctor announces that the choice was the question - can you take risks or not? Are you content to cower behind the safety of your village walls, or will you take the mission given to you? Sakura breathes, and feels proud of herself for the first time in a long time.

* * *

The second exam is a survival test, held in the Forest of Death.

Many of the older genin scoff at the name. It is dramatic, true, but they will soon find that it is also an accurate name. Poor, silly genin.

Sakura accepts their Heaven scroll, and tucks it into Sasuke's pack. The members of Team 7 eye the forest doubtfully, and begin to hash out a plan for survival. It's a good plan, too - find water, find food, and find shelter before thinking about enemies.

It really is a shame that Orochimaru comes and ruins everything.

Sasuke can handle bears. As a matter of fact, he has already punted a couple of bears into some trees because they were in the way when he went hunting. He also happened to rescue some redheaded chick from the bears, but unfortunately she didn't have a scroll on her. Anyway, bears. Sasuke can handle bears.

Sasuke cannot handle this crazy kunoichi from Kusa who seems weirdly intent on molesting him. He is aware that he is apparently irresistible to the kunoichi of Konoha, but he thought that was just a Konoha thing. Konoha has some big-ass trees. Konoha's kunoichi love Uchiha. That sort of thing. But no, apparently it's just a kunoichi thing.

At least, he thinks it's a kunoichi thing. The Kusa "genin" (if that was a genin, Sasuke was not an Uchiha) peeled off its face at one point, and the new face is a masculine face, so who the fuck knows? Not Uchiha Sasuke, that's for fucking sure.

He thanks Amaterasu that Kakashi's been forcing them to run laps daily, because even though Sasuke is tired and utterly bewildered, he's still dodging the crazy Kusa genin's attacks with relative ease. Naruto appears to have been eaten by a snake, which is concerning but still not as big of an issue as Kusa I-want-your-body genin boy-girl-thing. Sakura is screaming, and if Sasuke had the breath to do so, he would be too. As it is he just chants fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK in his head.

And then. And THEN. The cherry on top of this twisted sundae. Kusa genin's neck elongates like something out of a budget horror flick and Sasuke has the horrified thought that he's about to get his first kiss courtesy of a gender-confused not-genin from Kusa. There is really only one thing to say to that: hell no. He puts his hands together and performs his sloppiest kawarimi since Kakashi got his hands on him. His sensei would not be proud, but right now Sasuke does not give a fuck. He grabs Sakura and runs away.

Belatedly, they both realize they've left Naruto behind, but fortunately, they see a snake explode with orange and then Naruto is there.

Sasuke cannot wait to get out of this place.

* * *

 

Under normal circumstances, hearing that some freak sent a group of genin after her Sasuke-kun might have made Sakura both angry and afraid. After all, her meek little kunoichi act is only partially an act - she really is the weakest ninja on her team, and she does have survival instincts aka fear. Right now, though, Sakura is fresh out of fucks to give. After the psycho from Kusa, Sakura has only two settings left in her - exhaustion and rage.

And right now, she feels rage. The girl, Kin, has long, luscious hair. Kakashi-sensei told her no one cared about the length of her hair, but damn it all, Sakura does care. She likes how she looks with long hair, and she's irrationally angry that this other girl has longer hair. I mean, how dare she? If you're going to try and challenge Sasuke-kun, shouldn't you put a bit more effort into your training? Was this hoe trying to steal Sasuke-kun?! Did she think she was prettier than Sakura? More capable than Sakura? SHANNARO!

Such were Sakura's thoughts.

She flings her arms out, revealing hundreds of exploding tags, and screams, "Take this, bitches!"

The Oto genin barely have time to say "Oh shi--" before everything within a couple hundred meters explodes.

The smoke clears.

Naruto breathes, "That was so cool, Sakura-chan."

Sasuke quirks an eyebrow at the wreckage, but he is impressed despite himself, because he is an Uchiha and all Uchiha are pyromaniacs. He is so impressed that he doesn't even bother to scold Sakura for wasting the exploding tags on one team.

Sakura flips her hair and stalks off into the forest. Her teammates follow.

* * *

 

Naruto is having a great time. Sure, he could definitely have done without the getting swallowed by a giant snake bit, but he survived, so whatever. And what's more, he defeated it all by himself! It was a very proud moment for Naruto.

And then Sakura-chan got so pissed off she blew up a team from Oto. By herself. Which...wow. It was honestly kind of amazing and Naruto might be in love. For real.

But really...the best part is hearing about how the bastard had to fight against a fangirl on crack.

"She what?"

"It said it wanted my body!"

Naruto doubles over and laughs until he can't breathe. "Ha...ha...only you, bastard, only you."

"It's not funny," Sakura hisses. "That...that thing was going to rape Sasuke-kun!"

Naruto stops laughing and Sasuke pales. "What? I thought it was just trying to kiss me."

Naruto nods. That's what it sounded like to him.

"It said it wanted your body, Sasuke-kun."

Naruto and Sasuke both nod. Neither of them are sure what Sakura's trying to say here.

"It wanted to have sex with you!!" Sakura bellows.

The boys pale, and then: WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!

Suddenly, Naruto isn't having that much fun. He pats Sasuke's shoulder gingerly. "There, there, bastard...it'll be okay. If anyone tries to take your virginity, Sakura-chan will blow them up into pieces. And then we can piss on the pieces."

Sakura wrinkles her nose. "That's gross, Naruto."

"But it'll make him feel better, dattebayo!"

"Well...if it would make you feel better, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke doesn't uncurl himself from the fetal position, but he says, "Let's thoroughly burn the pieces."

"You got it, asshole."

Sakura shoves him for calling Sasuke an asshole, but it's a gentle shove, and she's smiling as she pokes the fire. The fire is very small, for stealth purposes, but Naruto still feels warm as he sits and watches over his team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i promise i read all comments even if i am horrendously bad at replying in any kind of timely manner (similar to my updating "schedule" lols) so pls comment


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